Our church in Ottawa asks people of the pews to share on Good Friday, and last year I was one of them. Each speaker is assigned a portion of scripture which are the words Jesus spoke from the cross. “Why did I get the ‘“Eloi, Eloi, lama sab ach thani’ reading?” I asked Brent. I didn’t practice pronouncing the words as much as I practiced the boldness required to just start and keep going, no matter what. That’s how to read hard things. And how to do them, I think.
I didn’t know then what I know now. Brent was still alive, and I thought healed. In my first draft of what ended up being a reflection about death, I wrote, “I was scared of Brent dying.” That’s because Covid was such a fear for us with Brent’s lowered immune system, which helped his body not reject his new kidney, but made him so vulnerable to all the other things. I edited that down to “I was scared,” because I didn’t want to be dramatic, and maybe I would cry when I said it, and it was just all too vulnerable for me to speak in front of the church where he was the priest, and in front of people who loved us.
I’ve been thinking about this piece this week, as my family limps through Holy Week. I choose to believe that it is true. Thankfully, we get to pray, “Help my unbelief.”
Last Good Friday
I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently. Because of covid, yes, especially in those early days and months, pre-vaccine. I didn’t need a dream interpreter to tell me what my recurring nightmare of a giant snake lying in wait in my bedroom meant.
I was scared.
During the early days of covid I went to see my parents where they live on the Northhumberland strait of Nova Scotia. Dad and I walked almost every day, and we often wound up in a tiny graveyard just down the road. “This is where your mother and I will be buried,” my dad said, on one of those walks, and waved his arm over a dry patch of grass in a far corner of Miner’s Cemetery. Twenty years ago, I would have burst into tears and cajoled him out of such a bleak conversation. But we’ve all grown up and older, and even though his mother lived to be 101, there is no doubt that time is not on his side.
I have noticed with especially the fathers I love, that the older they get, sleep is harder and crying is easier. They tell longer stories and fall off the ladders they used to almost run up, until they finally agree to stop climbing them.
They speak casually about burial plots.
Brent’s mom just turned 90. At her birthday party, her closest family sat around and spoke words of love and gratitude to her, and then she rose up like a mighty woman warrior at the end of the long table and told her grandchildren what was what. Pray. Serve. Listen. Give. Stick together. War is evil. At 90, she knows some things. Now when we make family plans, she sometimes matter of factly says: “If I’m around for that.”
Death is so stark. There are so many more years behind us than in front of many of us, and we will all lay ourselves down in one way or another, one after another.
When Brent went through his kidney transplant, just months ago, I realized once again our vulnerability and our strength, our sheer physicality, how we are soupy and bony, and how amazing that a tiny kidney can go from one to another and bring so much life with it. We are fearfully and wonderfully and physically made. And we are dying. And we are living.
The comfort I take from this passage is remembering that yes, Jesus breathed his last and someday so will we, and he knows exactly what that is like, in the very worst form I think it could take, with the betrayal and the whipping and the hanging and the nails and the thorns, and the loneliness more lonely than any other loneliness could possibly be.
But we can also know that because of the curtain that tore, and the perfect brave truth the Centurian said in those six words that whisper through history: Truly, this man was God’s son, that it was okay in the end, and it will be okay in the end, and it will be okay at my end and your end, and that the end will be the moment of our truest beginning.
24 thoughts on “Last Good Friday”
So, so beautiful. Thank you for your reflection. It resonates to the depths of my soul. Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Brent. I rejoice with you in the sure hope of our resurrection. Love from Alex and Heather
Thank you Karen for writing and sharing this with us for such a time as this!
These words and your strength (even thought you may not feel it) are truly a gift to us all.
You are bold, my friend. You have started and you will keep going, no matter what. You are doing the hardest thing, and we are here to do it with you.
That so deeply spoke to me. Thank you Karen
Karen, thank-you for sharing. Weaving your grief with words is powerful and no doubt, part of your own healing. You are in my prayers my friend.
Thank you Karen for these beautiful words. My heart is full as I walk with you and your dear family through the journey of grief. i still grieve our leaving ST PP’S and treasure the memories of many years of being part of the community.
Thank you for your deep sharing, Karen
Wonderful piece. Thanks! Jim
beautifully said. we will all die at some time in our life, and knowing that Jesus died for Me on the cross and will rise again on Sunday makes it so much easier for me. I attend St. John the Baptist in Mississauga. We are blessed to have Rev Daniel Brereton as our clergy. We have the most beautiful services every Sunday. We are a smaller Church but we are mighty.
Karen, words and groans of the heart, God truely understands. Your reflection about the ” last good Friday”, is vulnerable, and courageous and Holy. Thanks for sharing your grief and words of wisdom….. praying for you all… missing your dearest Brent…
Thank you, Karen for your thoughtful sharing. You are often in my prayers during this difficult time.
This touched me to my very core . . . thank you, Karen, for sharing!
Again and again, my words for you fail. I am thankful that your words for our world do not. Sending you love and so many tears across the miles.
That’s so touching. Brent’s mom sounds like an amazing woman! It’s funny how, after grief, our past fears seem almost beyond a veil, like they belonged to someone else. Hugs to you!
You are an INCREDIBLE writer.
Wow! I so resonate with where you are at in life. My best friend died a year after her liver transplant- her body riddled with cancer. So many questions- why?
And my parents in their senior years of life and in their fragile state – and me living across the country I often wonder with tears – how long till they leave for glory??
I’m so glad that we have Jesus and his word.
Thank you for a fresh glimpse at scripture, life and God’s faithfulness.
(And thanks to Joanne – sister-in-law sending this to me to enjoy).
Karen. This is so beautifully written and as I have tears streaming down my face I pray for you as you walk in your sorrow.
So beautifully written, Karen. And so beautifully expressed – weaving your memories of last year in with the much harder realities of this year. Thank you for sharing your heart. Sending a hug and many prayers.
I have and always will admire and enjoy your ability to put feelings into meaningful words to be read, I am proud to have you as my Daughter and Friend. Dad
Such wise words, beautifully wŕitten. You have helped us all see the hard reality of death, but also the hope that stands in the face of it. Thank you.
Beautiful words and a good reminder to cherish life, keep the faith and continue to love today more than yesterday.
Oh Karen. A hard-earned reflection, generous in the wisdom, honesty and poignancy you share. And in your wonderful voice. Thank you.
I see so much truth and beauty and wisdom in this reflection, so much humanity and divinity both. This was very good for me to read. Thank you.
Very heart felt , deep , sorriful, and assuring
Thankyou for writing it